Ep. 17 - Empowering parents of trans kids with Odetta Boudreau
#17 This episode’s guest is Odetta Boudreau! Odetta is a nonbinary/genderqueer family advocate, consultant, and community activist who works for TransFamilies as the Director of Programs and uses they/them pronouns.
Parents of trans kids will NOT want to miss this conversation!
Odetta’s work at TransFamilies centers parents in achieving best outcomes for their trans and gender-diverse children by helping parents feel empowered, confident, and nurtured … all so trans kids can THRIVE!
The TransFamilies 2024 Family Reunion Conference in Indianapolis August 29-31 promises to be a transformative experience filled with joy, learning, support. Parents and caregivers need to check it out!
You can reach Odetta at odetta@transfamilies.org and get more info about TransFamilies and their upcoming conference at www.transfamilies.org.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
TransFamilies
Register for the TransFamilies 2024 conference
Trans Formations Project
Trans Children in Today's Schools by Aidan Key (affiliate link)
Stellar’s Jays
Everyday Trans Activism is a production of Parents of Trans Youth, a social impact business providing learning, support, and community to parents and caregivers of transgender, nonbinary, and gender-diverse kids.
Host Mandy Giles (she/her) is the Texas parent of two transgender young adults and a fierce advocate for trans kids, their families, and the transgender community.
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FULL TRANSCRIPT
Mandy: Hey y'all and welcome to Everyday Trans Activism. I am your host, Mandy Giles. My pronouns are she/her, and I am the parent of two transgender young adults and the founder of Parents of Trans Youth. Today's guest is Odetta Boudreau. Odetta is a nonbinary/genderqueer trans woman, family advocate, consultant, and community activist who works for TransFamilies as the Director of Programs and uses they/them pronouns.
They are the mother of two sons, gender and neurodiverse, and Odetta has over 25 years of experience working in nonprofits (that sounds familiar) as an advocate and program manager for families. They work to educate families, healthcare providers, and non-medical organizations on concerns related to trans/nonbinary and autistic and neurodiverse children.
Odetta has a Master's in Organizational Communication and Psychology (that sounds fascinating) from Marshall University and enjoys spending time with family, cats, and Stellar's Jays. Welcome Odetta. I'm glad you're here.
Odetta: Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here. And thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to spend some time with you today. And it's a real honor to be a guest with you today.
Mandy: thank you. Okay. Before we get into anything, well, really anything at all, I need to know about Stellar's Jays because I don't know. Is this, this is a bird? I'm guessing what I need to know. This is fascinating.
Odetta: you know what, they are fascinating. And so they are in the, in the scheme of my life cycle, they are relatively new. I grew up in West Virginia and so we have Blue Jays out there that are actual Jays. But Stellar’s Jays aren't on the East Coast for the most part if at all.
I don't want to offend any bird experts, which I am not, but we have them prolifically in the Pacific Northwest and they're beautiful birds, deep, deep blue, almost black. They're so dark and and they're also very loud. And a lot of people don't like them here in the Pacific Northwest, but I was so struck by their beauty, having never seen them before. I fell in love with them immediately. And they are for the most part although they're very social together, they're actually like kind of like party people birds, right? they're making a lot of noise and there's always a cacophony where they are kind of like, where's the party y'all? And they're not, they're not that social, and they're easily scared by humans. So knowing that, of course, I wanted to get to know them better and, and lure them to me.
And I actually have been adopted by a Stellar's Jay that we call Peanut. I don't know where she came from, but she is a comedian. She will tap on the screen, she'll tap on the deck door. She'll fly from door to door until we see her. Sometimes I'll look up on the kitchen screen, which I can see from here. And she's just sitting there like hanging on with her little claws, like, hello, come feed me. Yeah. It's amazing. I don't know if someone trained her before, or if she's just like, you know, an ancestor or, you know, a guide.
I have no idea, but she brings so much joy. She'll sit on your head and take a peanut. Now she'll only eat almonds cause I spoiled her, but that's all right.
Mandy: You're an almond mom. Oh my gosh.
Odetta: yes, yes, yes, she, the other, the other jays get peanuts in the shell, but Peanut gets almonds, which is funny because she brought another bird, which I assume is offspring or sibling or something. And we named that one AJ, which is short for Almond Joy.
Mandy: aw, so cute. That's wonderful.
Odetta: AJ has never been as social. Yeah, it is wonderful. It's a treat. It's a treat to have a relationship with a sentient animal that is normally feral, right? Like they, they've picked you. That's an honor, you know? So I feel like, yeah, it just feels, yeah, it feels really special and fun and fills me with joy. And we all need joy. We all need joy every day.
Yeah,
Mandy: how enriching. Oh, that sounds wonderful. We had a pair of Cardinals in our yard for a long time and we named them Harold and Abigail. But this was a long time ago. I don't know what the lifespan of Cardinals but let's just say that Harold and Abigail have been with us for like 20 years. It may be different iterations of Harold and Abigail, but but it's just fun. We're like, Oh, there's Harold. There's a Harold. It's just really fun.
Odetta: I love Cardinals, Mandy. I love them. We don't have them in the Pacific Northwest, so I feel like I traded. There were trade offs, you know, always, but we had them when I was growing up, and we had a similar iteration of was it Harold and Abigail at our house, except they were Mama and Papa Redbird. And so I was probably in college before I realized that no one else called them Mama and Papa Redbird, that everybody else called them Cardinals, but I didn't care.
Mandy: Oh, that is sweet. That is sweet.
Odetta: Yeah. Mama and Papa, which isn't very, that takes us well, that's beautiful taking us into our conversation because in terms of being on the gender spectrum, that's actually not very useful, right?
To like have those, but that was from my grandmother who, is no longer with us. So yeah, that's from a different era and it does take us right into the conversation.
Mandy: Yes, yes, definitely. So yes, I want to hear about your work with TransFamilies. How you got there, tell me about TransFamilies and what you do. And I know that it's a very well-respected organization and it's been around for a long time and maybe has a few name changes here and there. And so I want to make sure people know about it.
Odetta: thank you so much. Yeah, it's a, it's always a pleasure. TransFamilies is the vision and I'd say the passion of Aidan Key, who is our founder, a remarkable individual trans male who started out having support groups for trans males, and parents would come to get information and to try to get some support and, you know, that in the past parents haven't always been welcome in, you know, to circles for, for reasons that we do, we totally understand. As parents now, the experiences of trans people coming out to their parents have been, sometimes traumatic to say the least.
And so Aidan, Aidan is remarkable in many ways, but what I love about Aidan the most is Aidan's love for parents of trans children, and Aidan's very clear vision that in order to achieve best outcomes for trans and nonbinary children of all ages parents needed support. Parents needed to be able to freely ask questions without fear of reprisal, without unintentionally, you know, step, like stepping into it, right? Because we don't know when we first come into this journey, what we don't know. And we can do damage unintentionally and we have, right? Historically. And so Aidan wanted to create a place where parents could come and, separate from their children, just parents, and speak freely in order to move through the process of evolving as parents of trans children. and so we are actually the only nonprofit that centers, nationally, that centers parents in achieving best outcomes for trans and gender-diverse children. We know that parents who are resilient, parents who feel empowered, confident, supported, held, nurtured, all the things we all really want are then able to reflect that back to their children and convey that to their children in a way that even if the children don't come to our programs, they still thrive as their parents are thriving with us.
This is not unique to parenting trans children. I would say, however, the, and as you know, and I'm sure most of your listeners know the statistics are staggering in terms of best outcomes when even one parent can do something as, as meaningful as use the correct pronouns, then we start to see a 60 percent reduction in self-harm and suicidal ideation.
And so if one parent is now thriving as the parent of a trans child. Thriving, feeling support, feeling capable, feeling like they're doing a really great job. Wow, what kind of outcomes will we get then? Well, we get kids that can go out and advocate and feel empowered and know, without a doubt, they belong and they have a right to be here. And and they will fight for that as we have fought for them and continue to.
Mandy: Oh gosh, what a beautiful, beautiful mission. Obviously that we're on the same wavelength because of Parents of Trans Youth too, and knowing that parents need their own support separate from their kids and in order to be the best parents that they can be for their kids. So that their trans kids will get what they need, which is, I think all kids, like you said, have, I don't want to say special needs cause that's a specific word, but have needs that are different and, and unique. There's no, “what to expect when you're expecting a trans child.” And so that would be awesome if there were, and so it's good to have that community for sure.
So what does TransFamilies do? I know they have support groups. Is it and how and it used to be in person and now it's online and so tell me about all that and how it it helps parents.
Odetta: Absolutely. Yeah, we started here in the Pacific Northwest by having in person groups. That's how I came into the organization. Toward the peak of or the beginning, I should say, of the pandemic, we were already moving toward a more online virtual presence just so we could reach more people. Around the United States. And so then like we all did when COVID hit, everything went virtual, all the programming. And during that time, because I think of the isolation that we were all experiencing, I'm just thinking about what it would have been like to have discovered that your child is trans during the peak of the pandemic when you couldn't leave the house. And that's, that's daunting to me thinking about that. Right? We were bringing in, you know, during that time easily 60 to 70 members a month because people were feeling that isolation. And so we really began to have more orientations and more facilitated groups online and offering as many options as we could.
We're a small non profit. I always like to say we're small, but mighty. We have a staff of under 10 folks that are also throughout the United States like our membership. And so we moved to a facilitator model so that we could offer more of those meetings. And at times again, I'm out here on the West Coast, but a lot of our members are in the, on the East Coast, or the Midwest, or the South, and we have them all over the U.S. And so we have facilitators all over the U.S. And that, that delivery, that support group meeting, that peer to peer support is the primary thing that people come for when they come to TransFamilies, because they are looking for that place.
We are doing, labor of love, the work of, of running to Target on the, you know, I'm telling my own story now, but on the spin of a dime to go get new undergarments that match a gender, the gender identification, or to, to carry out garbage bags full of pink or blue things that no longer can go in the child's room and like finding a place to put those until you can get them out of the house or until you can, you know, we're doing these, these lifts that are heavy. I remember learning to look at my child and my child would come out and say, I don't want any of these things anymore. It was all this, these big proclamations. It was never a small thing. Or certainly didn't feel that way. And it wasn't a small thing for him either right. He's like stepping into his full identity as a trans male and at the time and and be very authentic and emboldened and that's what you want for your child. But then on the flip side of that it's exhausting and right? And I was the only person in my cohort at that time that had a trans child. And I was I'm just gonna say I was pissed about that for you know, I was mad like we, we are also a neurodivergent family. And so we were already working with some colorful diagnoses, right? Yes, exactly. Yes. Yes. Now I can say that. Aren’t we all, we're just like a big neuro-spice blend here.
Mandy: that's a lot to deal with.
Odetta: It's a lot to deal with. And I just remember that isolation. I said I was gonna talk about TransFamilies and I'm not.
Mandy: okay. This is, it's all good. It's all good. Yeah.
Odetta: good, good, good. So for me, it was the isolation of, you know, not a feeling like there's no one I can speak to about this that understands. And this is the first thing we hear from folks as they come through the metaphorical doors. What a relief it is to hear from us as facilitators that we have similar experiences and that, oh, it's okay for me to name my experience. We, I think one of the things I love about TransFamilies is we do meet parents where they are. One of the lines that's been in our, our story since I came in as a member, so over 10 years, is we are not the pronoun police. So, you know, we I had my own little version of the pronoun police in my house and rightly so. And so to be able to come to a meeting though, and, and forget, you know, or like my brain was still making that switch, right? A little new neural pathway was being formed. That was really great to be able to come to a meeting and mess up and not be judged or to say, I'm doing the best I can, but right now I'm feeling sad or I'm feeling angry or to say whatever my feeling was and not be fearful that I was doing some kind of damage that I didn't even know about.
And I think this is something that's really hard for parents of trans children because because if we don't know what we don't know, we are going to step in it, we are going to make mistakes. And sometimes those mistakes are little. Coming into a group and hearing somebody else made that mistake and hearing how they worked through it is so empowering and helpful, and sometimes we're able to go back and have better conversations with our children because we've, we've heard from someone else in a group. So we have those groups and we know that that is the primary thing that people come for. We also have webinars throughout the year. We have a, we had a great webinar. Can I do a little shout out for the folks at Transformations Project. Is that all right? Yeah, since I already did it. Yeah,
Mandy: Sure.
Odetta: there's a great organization. They're grassroots like we are. They only have two employees and the rest is volunteer. We did a webinar with them, Transformations Project. They are phenomenal. They are the only forward-facing platform that tracks anti-trans legislation in a way that's digestible for the average layperson. It's not a policymaker's website.
It is for people like us that have concerns and fears and might need to make life decisions about where to live, where to go to school. Do we need to move to another state? You can go to their website and track in real time how the legislation is rolling out. So they're small. We're small. But we're both trying to reach parents, right?
So we did a webinar so that our members could come and learn about this platform, learn how to access it. Those are the kind of things we do throughout the year. We have community meeting webinars. We have more educational webinars. We do some offerings for children. For youth also, like we have a healthy bodies, healthy relationships class that we do in collaboration with the Arc of King County, here in here in Seattle. And that is a sex education class for trans youth. We don't teach that ourselves. I'm there's no one qualified to do that, but we sure love to collaborate with and provide a platform for those opportunities so that our members can take advantage of them. And of course we're having our in person conference, which we'll get to.
Mandy: Yes.
Odetta: In three weeks!
Mandy: Yes. Yes. Well, yeah. Well, let's go ahead and talk about that. I want to hear.
Odetta: Okay. All right. Thank you. Yeah. so
Mandy: So excited to be a part of that.
Odetta: yeah, I know we're so excited to have you and thank you for coming.
Mandy: Mm hmm.
Odetta: We are, for the first time since 2019, gathering as a full community in person in Indianapolis, August 29th through the 31st for our TransFamilies Family Reunion conference.
We've had big conferences in the past that were in the, on the west coast that were both family and professional-oriented. And like I said, we were out here. I think we were in San Diego. Of course, we've been in Seattle. So they have been really wonderful collaborations and wonderful experiences for people to come and learn and be in community, but they haven't been accessible necessarily for folks who have a family of five to come and take part in and to be to enjoy also.
And so a couple years ago we decided that we wanted to, we really wanted to reach folks who like we know there are folks in the Midwest and in the South that have trans children that can't safely find resources or there really aren't any resources. And so we did feel like that was a calling for us to go into the Midwest in a way that's safe for our bodies. And our children, because they come with us often to these things, and our current membership you know, in a way that's safe. And that's what we vetted Indianapolis very carefully. And it's a beautiful city and they welcomed us when we came to visit. And we felt really comfortable bringing folks to experience the Hoosier hospitality. I know. Yeah. And also to come gather with us and get to know us and see if there were some ways that we can be helpful to folks who we don't normally reach. So that is that's what we're, that's what we're doing.
And we're going to have two and a half pretty packed days of starting with rediscovering and really reclaiming our identity as an in-person support group for parents. And so we're going to have our support groups are actual groups for parents will be meeting in person on Thursday night at the conference. I believe that you're going to be one of our facilitators.
Mandy: I believe I am. Yes.
Odetta: Yeah, our meetings are great, I think, because they do offer that support, but we also do them by affinity groups.
So we'll have a parents of older children. So 18 and older. And we have parents whose children are coming out to them sometimes at the age of 40 or 45. And so we know that those folks have a particular set of needs and information that other parents might not have. And so that's one of our fastest-growing groups online. And we look forward to welcoming those folks in person as well. We also have a parents of nonbinary children, we have parents of elementary, parents of teens we have a wonderful group that sprang out of our membership and is led by dads in our membership called A Dad's Place because dads have a particular need to be able to speak in a way that doesn't always fit in our typical support groups. Coming together as dads or granddads or uncles or, you know, whoever. That's our only group that's not open to anybody who wants to drop in any of our members. So we respect that. And are really grateful to our members who keep that that meeting going for us. And I think those are the key ones we're going to offer at the conference.
But, but, you know, if a bunch of people show up that need a different kind of meeting, we'll do that too.
Mandy: I like the flexibility.
Odetta: Yeah. Right. And then on Friday, we're going to have a really like a strengthening, a restoration of our roots. That's not quite the right word, but it's more about like your skill set. Like what, what do you need to take away on Saturday? That's going to help you be a more informed person, you know, knowledge is power. And the more we know and the more things that we have on our skill set, like a Transformations Project type offering. Then the, the better, the more confident we feel and the more capable we feel to be able to manage the daily stressors that we have as parents of trans children to take care of ourselves, to take care, to advocate, take care of our family. And so we're going to have, well let's see our keynote speaker who many, I know of your listeners already know is Dr. Lulu.
Mandy: love Dr. Lulu!
Odetta: Lulu yeah, the Momatrician for those of you that are not familiar, please do go find her on Instagram has a lovely Instagram and social media presence.
And Dr. Lulu is going to be our keynote speaker as well as one of our workshop presenters. We're going to have Shannon Shannon whose last name Panszi rom Engender Love is gonna come. Yeah.
Yeah. Shannon is gonna come and talk about how to have the talks with our kids that's already awkward, but now we're, now we're trying to have it with a trans child. And so Shannon's going to give us some skills.
I know you're going to talk about allyship into action, which is something that parents often need. Like sometimes we need to be able to take some proactive, active, tangible steps to, so that we feel like we have some agency and some, control over maybe not the outcome, but certainly that we participated in the process, right? And we know that we did our best.
And then our wonderful founder Aidan Key is going to talk about how to advocate for your kiddos in school.
So that by the end of the day, we hope your skillset is strengthened and you've gotten questions answered and you feel like, Okay. I, yes, I can do this. And then the next day that's our restoration day is restoring and healing our roots. I just got off a call with a wonderful, queer grief counselor, I don't want to say counselor, but grief expert in Indy: Alex Adams. Alex is going to come and spend some time with us talking about normalizing the grief process for us and talking about how grief is an organic, active process. Also, how do we, how do we name our grief? How do we give ourselves permission as parents to acknowledge the loss of our expectations, you know, and the loss of what we thought was going to happen?
And then how do we
Mandy: So important to make that distinction.
Odetta: Yes, yes. Yes, exactly. The child is still here. The child is more here than they've ever been, right? Because now they're here authentically. And I think that Dr. Lulu says this too. the child hasn't changed. It's we have changed as parents and who we are as parents and, and how we're going to parent and what our child knew, how we're going to show up in the world for our kiddos. And so Alex is going to create a safe, sacred space for us to sit and get more familiar and intimate with those feelings in a way that helps us turn them into this rich metaphorical emotional soil that allows us to then grow joy and cultivate joy out of loss, right? Because that's what happens when we have a loss.
Mandy: Yeah.
Odetta: It creates a new soil, a new landscape for things to grow. And sometimes we can get stuck in the loss and, and then feel bad because we were stuck in the loss. I remember going through that, right. I felt bad. And then I felt bad because I felt bad. What's wrong with me?
Mandy: Yeah. I, I know. I definitely.
Odetta: I'm supposed to be joyful.
Mandy: Yeah, I definitely talk to parents about that. Like, I know I'm supposed to get there, but I don't know how to get there. And I'm sad, but, I don't even know what I don't know, and how do I do? Yeah. So, oh, that's gonna be so good. Oh my gosh.
Odetta: I know. I'm so excited.
Mandy: New soil for, for sowing joy.
Odetta: I know it's like knowing we have to get across the country in a car that we've never driven before and expecting ourselves to drive from the West coast to Florida and do it overnight or to do it in two hours. Like, Oh, I got to get there in this car that I've never driven before. How do I drive this car? Right?
Mandy: Oh, definitely. I, I use, the analogy of when they come out to you or if you, when you discover that your child is gender diverse gender expansive, it's like a train, and they're the conductor of the train and by the time you figure it out or they tell you like the train has left the station. It's gone.
Odetta: Oh my gosh, for sure.
Mandy: And so you have to choose whether. Well, choice and/or work on whether you're going to be stuck at the station sometimes with baggage or running alongside the train, and we're kind of going to be running alongside for a while because they're always going to be ahead. And I guess if you want to go even further with the metaphor, like you can jump on the train, but they're going to be driving.
You can be like, I don't know what kind of engineer, is there an engineer for something? Okay. That metaphor is over, but yes, they're going to be
Odetta: no, but I was thinking about that. Yes, sometimes we're on the train, but we're suffering from the delusion that we're the ones that are in charge of where the train is going and how fast it's going
Mandy: Yeah,
Odetta: It’s not like we can slow that down. And I mean, I remember saying that to my kid, I said, I'm sorry, I'm having trouble allowing you to lead this process. And I just had, that's, I think that that was the best thing I was able to do with my kid was to say. I'm sorry. I'm having trouble with this. I'm doing the best I can, and I want to be better.
Always to say I want to be better so that they didn't feel like somehow that was a burden that I was trying, you know, like, I want to do this for you because I love you and I want you to feel supported.
Not like, oh, I'm having a hard time. I'm working really hard.
Mandy: Yeah. And like, if only you weren't trans, this would be so much easier. I mean, that's
Odetta: right. Right.
Mandy: the, it's the intent versus impact, you know? And I think our kids hear, I mean, that's kind of the whole point that they hear those things and think like, gosh, I'm the cause of this, this distress in my parents.
So but that's a really good way to go about that because it is, there's some really giant decisions and pathways that our kids lead us down and they're new and, and uncomfortable for a lot of us. And so to be able to say, to voice that I think is so important and in a way that is not harmful to our kids and it, I think opening up that communication to just to be able to, to have that back and forth.
And I always say, because you're also kind of talking about that foundation and the soil is sowing that for later as well for when your kids are older and they're over 18 or whatever and they can. The train is on a different track and you want to be on that train and you want them.
Odetta: The train sees you standing by the track with the ticket in your hand and chooses not to stop as well.
Mandy: Sorry! You have missed the train.
Odetta: I don’t want you on this track. I don't want you in this appointment. I don't want you weighing in. I'm not stopping to pick you up. I might stop later to fill you in on where we went, but I'm not gonna, you don't get to come with.
Odetta: That’s part of that burden, right? That part of that burden for parents of older children. Like, I have the privilege of having been until recently at every single appointment, gender-affirming care appointment and having a rapport with my child's provider and being able to be there as a voice and advocate for my child. And learning, learning along the way, having full access to the process.
And then, you know, as our parents have older children, sometimes their kids are already well on their way as they have every right to be. And let's celebrate that, please. Let's just celebrate that. Yes. They're already on their way to the appointments. They've already made the decisions that they have every right to make for themselves. And our parents sometimes are, you know they can't believe that they didn't get to go to the appointment or that they didn't talk to them first. And I think that's part of that aftershock of finding out that your kid is, is that trans is one of the things that, one of the, not even choices, one of the things that might be part of your child's life that you're not expecting, your child's identity, right?
Like we, I hear so many people say, well, I thought that they might be gay or I thought that they might be a lesbian. And I think that's part of my story too. And I can't think my kid thought that too. But I never thought about trans, right? Because we didn't, that thought about being gender expansive and gender fluid, you know, there was none of that. There was, you know, none of that.
Mandy: Well, the words didn't even.
Odetta: or gay, you know, right. And it wasn't even about gender, right?
Mandy: Yeah.
Odetta: about orientation.
Mandy: Yeah, exactly. So yeah, honestly, at every age and stage, I think there's different layers for parents and, and what I'm finding now as the as the parent of young adults, just of like them adulting in the world. One of my kids is renting their first apartment on their own or you know, picking up a prescription and like, what do I need to do that? Do I need my ID? Well, actually, weirdly, no. Or, you know, just or how do, how do I pay my car insurance or stuff like that? And, and then on top of that, and they're asking you maybe for, for help with those things, then all of a sudden like, Oh, wait a minute, I maybe don't have the knowledge to help you with that, say, if you're a cisgender parent or have no knowledge of gender diversity in your past or whatever.
And then, it's a road that, that you, you just can't go down with. It's a road you can't lead them down. And it's, and so I think that's a whole other thing too, of, of the loss of your expectations of who your child, who you thought your child was going to be and what your parental role may be. And so, yeah, with like young adult stuff and then, and I think in every stage too, like as adolescents, I mean, you know, you have, oh my gosh, teenager just being, little toots, and then layering on gender on top of that.
And then, so yeah, it's just, yeah, it's at every stage. So, so, so in summary, I'm glad that TransFamilies exists for everybody, and especially for you know, for parents whose quote, children are 40 years old and they will always be your kids and just looking to learn and to do better, like you said. And so I think that's really important.
Odetta: For all parents. And also, like, I do want to highlight, like, we love to have, we have grandparents in our membership.
Mandy: Oh, yeah.
Odetta: We've had teachers reach out to us. I remember one person that sticks out for me as a neighbor who the child felt safe with. And so the neighbor wanted to be able to do a better, I know, right. See, right. So that's a pivotal adult. And that's that's how we we say we're here for parents, caregivers and other pivotal adults. And it's not for us to say that pivotal adult is right. It could be a step-parent. It could be, who knows?
It could be an older brother who's an adult who, you know, wants to, like, be supportive of a younger sibling, that kind of thing. Or older sister, obviously, right.
So yeah, so yeah, so we, we have members with kids as young as three and with kids as old as 45. And so that is, yeah, it's a really wonderful thing. And so we do have programming for, for to all the way up through high school. But that is not how
Mandy: For the kids.
Odetta: kiddos. Right.Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Kiddos don't come into our organization unless their parents are already a part of our organization so that we know already that our children have loving, caring parents who are looking to like, grow in that, in their roles and, and be as, be the best that they can be for their trans and gender diverse child.
So it's also, I would say that youth programming is is a benefit of being a parent, it's a member here that if your kiddos want to come. My kiddo never came but still benefited from what I learned, being a member here and from seeing me grow as an advocate in their school. And like, one of the things that Aidan will do is come and talk to, your school.
So Aidan came to a PTA meeting at our school because of, of, having a mom who knew that, the school needed to hear from someone who was a trans male and advocate for parents about how to do a better job, right? Welcoming and gendered, you know, yeah,
Mandy: Oh, I would love to see how that would go down in Texas. Holy moly they need it. And.
Odetta: I know. I know. Well, I'm a fan obviously of Aidan, but another thing that I do love about Aidan is his bravery and in starting an organization like this, first of all, but also it would not be the first or the last time he would have a conversation with people who maybe don't think that he has a right to be here or that our children have a right to be here.
And what fuels him is that he hopes that he will be able to shift something, the smallest thing even, forward, that might create something that will make the world better, might create some shift in that person that would make things better for a trans child, trans children you know, in the world somehow. Like you said, those seeds, we do not know. We don't know which ones land on
rocky soil, and we don't know which ones are on fertile soil. And so not to get too biblical about things. Yeah. Wait a minute. That's, I think I remember that from Bible school.
Mandy: I, well, that was something that struck me in his book, his latest book Trans children in Today's Schools, I believe is the title. And everything we talk about, I'll, I'll put in the show notes and everything.
I was impressed with how much he met people where they were, like we were saying with parents, but not only parents, but people who really were like, well, what about blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, kids in bathrooms or whatever.
And really holding that space for people to ask the questions and not just shut down. Like that's it. Don't even ask the questions. This is what you need to do. That takes strength and patience and grace, and sometimes I do not have that and I at, at all. It’s hard.
Odetta: And a deep, a deep listening to the call, like we are called into this work for different aspects of the work and the work is spacious, and for one of us to be able to do all of it would be obviously that's, that's not doable. And so Aidan's space is to do the work that Aidan does.
And which reminds me also, I never finished talking about, it's hard to believe, I never finished talking about the rest of the day on Saturday for the conference.
Mandy: We could talk forever.
Odetta: I know, I know, absolutely, absolutely. So we're going to have, you know, Alex Adams is going to come, like I said, and be there in the morning. Let's also acknowledge and be mindful that not all parents of trans children have a grief process that they go through. While it is common, there are just as many parents, I think equally that don't go through that. And so maybe they don't want to come to a grief group on Saturday morning. We will have throughout the conference a regional hospitality room where folks that it'll be facilitated where people can go and meet people from their geographical area. So that when you leave the conference, my hope is that you'll have a couple of textable numbers in your phone of other parents that might live just over the state line.
Like Indianapolis is like, the Midwest is such a hub, right? And so maybe you meet somebody from Ohio that's closer to you than Indianapolis is. Or maybe you meet someone from Illinois or that's all I can say without I, that's all the geographical knowledge I can, I can say now and still.
Mandy: Well, I'm definitely, yeah. The Texas person, so.
Odetta: Right, right. and so that, right. And I know you're going to be in one of those, those regional community-building sessions one day. And I appreciate that. And you know, like that's my, that's my fan. I can't say fan girl anymore. I can say fan person. I've been, I've been a fan person of yours for a while because you are in Texas doing. And we have members in Texas, so I know, you know, I hear their heartache and their fear. And I know like the fact that you're there is tremendous.
And then, so I'm just going to keep going on Saturday, Aidan and some of our other staff are going to do an intergenerational panel so that folks will be able to hear stories about being trans or about being the parent of a trans child at different, you know, different stages and then share a little bit about their stories and then answer questions in the afternoon.
And then at the peak, the best part for me of the day on Saturday will be our kids’ parade. So this whole time that we're having programming for our parents, there will also be a parallel programming going for children from 12 to 4. Our kids’ camp will be going and will be well staffed, and the people who are very excited about, you know, welcoming trans children, especially trans children all trans children, but trans children who maybe have never been in the company of another trans child, had time to hang out and play and build a friendship with another child who's trans. And we hear that from our members all the time. So that opportunity is priceless and that's going to be available.
We'll have our teen chill room where teens can hang out. It's less programming and more hanging out, which is the power of community with teens, right? Is that that time spent hanging out and sharing, you know, just sharing space together. So we love that. We love our, our trans teens as well.
And so at four o'clock on Saturday, we will have our kiddos get to dress up in whatever, outfit, whatever combination of things allows them to feel like they are being seen in their full gender expression. And we will have a parade through the convention center. And we, like the kids are doing this and they love to get to parade and show off their outfits. But the benefit other than just seeing all this beautiful, you know, trans joy in our children is that their parents will get to celebrate them with other parents in that expression, in a safe environment, right?
Like we hear often from our parents that they're not sure about, can my kid go out dressed this way where I live? Is it all right? Is it safe? So there'll be a moment where parents and children get to be together and celebratory, and we just get to be filled with trans joy, queer joy, nonbinary joy.
The whole, all of it. And celebrate and watch our children. Imagine being a child, soaking that up, having that moment where you're, you see all these people who love you and support you and in community waving and smiling. And you get that moment of pride because you're expressing yourself fully with other kids who are doing the same thing. I'm telling you, that is the kind of stuff that fills up our pores and our DNA and ourselves. And that is fuel for the journey. If I ever like that's like a big meal, man, that is like that's gonna take all of us really far. I can't wait for that. I'm so excited about that.
And then we'll have a healing circle. It's all generation. Everybody will participate in a healing circle and then we're going to have a good old Midwest family barbecue. And so anybody out there who wants to bring cornhole their cornhole game, we got plenty of room to set that up, but I know I've got people from the Pacific Northwest who have no idea what cornhole is. So y'all get to show them.
Mandy: That's funny. It's very
Odetta: and that'll be the, yeah, I know it's very, yes, very complex. Maybe we should have a bunk. Is it Bunko? Bunko? What is that card game? Is
Mandy: Yes. And I've never played
Odetta: been there, but yeah, we're going to have a family game night. So we'll probably, that, that might happen also. Yeah.
Mandy: that would be fun.
Odetta: So yeah, so the idea is to come be part of a family that gets you, loves you, supports you, where you can be safe, celebrated, learn, grow, eat barbecue, right?
Like all these things, like what you would do with your family, what I like to call family of choice. you'd have time sitting down and reconnect, get to know each other again, share news, learn, have good food. There's so much power in sitting down and sharing a meal with one another.
All these experiences that are going to be indicative of a family, the family we would want to have, the family experience we would want to have that so many of us aren't able to we're not able to get that within our birth family, but you can get it with us at TransFamilies.
Mandy: I can't wait, and I'm just I am thrilled that I get to be a part of it and thrilled that we had connected just sort of the universe connected us and,
Odetta: Yeah.
Mandy: we're destined to meet. So I can't wait for that. So I, I don't want to take up too much more of your time, but I have another question for you.
So, I know that you have been a community activist for a long time, a family advocate, and educator on both issues for both trans and neurodivergent kids and all sorts of stuff. And I wanted to hear what advice you might have for someone wanting to get started in that, either, whether it's a parent or someone within the trans community, because that's a lot about what we talk about on the podcast. If someone who's like, well, I kind of want to do something, I just don't know what to do, how to get started or what advice would you have?
Odetta: That's a really good question. I think show up, you know, like it's my greatest joy when we get a inquiry in the info box that says, I'd like to help with this, or I'd like to be helpful. Where do you need this? Those are the best ones. I'd like to be helpful. Where do you need help? Because then we can plug people in.
Yeah. Yeah. where we're needed as they're needed. Like I said, our our support groups still run on volunteer power and have been running exclusively for the past two to three years on volunteer power. People who will show up, the same group of people shows up for two to three hours, one day a month to support a specific group. And they are there without fail, right? And so I think that the gift of your time is immeasurable to especially a nonprofit organization because it's so precious. Our time is so precious.
So when you're willing to give of your time on a consistent basis to commit that is, that to me is the same as a gift. That's a stewardship gift at the same as, you know a $40 a month tithe or a gift that you give, right? Like it comes out of your account every month. That's the same. Those are the same to me. Because you are consistently showing up in a way that is supporting the life of the organization and that can be counted on by the staff, that we can count on that is just really lovely. A lovely thing.
Mandy: Oh, that's so important. Yeah, it's, it's interesting that I hear that a lot of just the first step is just showing up. And I like that you made the distinction of, I want to be helpful. Where do you need me? I know if, if you've had 25 years of nonprofits experience, and so have I, it's there's sometimes like, here's what I'd like to do for you.
Odetta: Yes.
Mandy: that's lovely. And
Odetta: And yes.
Mandy: We don’t need another cupcake party for our kids, but thank you.
Odetta: Know. I know. Exactly.
Mandy: How about shoveling some mulch or whatever.
Odetta: Right, right. Well, yeah, I mean, hello. Yeah, sometimes there's, you know, there's, there's mulch and there's metaphorical mulch and it all needs, it's all work that needs to be done, right? And so, Yeah.
That's, that is the gift that comes without contingencies, know, without conditions, the unconditional gift of time is, is priceless, I think. You know, and, and being willing to serve in a way that, for me, like true service is being used in a way, it's being used in a way that is needed, not what we would pick, right?
You know, not not the thing we, that we would pick to do. That's not necessarily, yeah, it's not, it can be the same, but it's not necessarily the same. Yeah, it doesn't grow us in the same way, right? And we're always just picking the thing that where our comfort zone is.
Mandy: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Definitely. Definitely.
Odetta: There's always something to learn. Like, maybe you're really good at this one thing that the organization needs you here. That might be an invitation. You know, that's that might be an invitation to learn something new.
Or you know, stretch in a way that will take you, who knows where it'll take you. I mean, I started advocating for parents of kids on the autism spectrum 20 some years ago. And here I am, here I am. Right? You know, so it's not for us to say where that's going to take us. That's, that will be revealed as we move along the way.
Mandy: Well, thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me. This has been so fun, and we could talk for hours and hours and I cannot wait to meet you in person at the conference.
Odetta: That was super fun. Thank you. This opportunity to come and, and like just to be able to have a conversation with you is lovely. To get to talk about this organization that has given me so much personally, has given so much to others, to be able to have a conversation and be given a platform to share everything that TransFamilies has to offer for families of trans and gender-diverse kiddos is a gift. It's such a gift to me.
And so for your work, thank you. It's a pleasure being in the trenches with such a worthy - what's the word? Worthy light worker. Like, what do I want to call you? Like just, you know, allies doesn't seem to be quite strong enough. I feel like, you know, sibling, whatever we are, partner, companion, right? Like these are the things, yeah, these are the, these are the connections that help give us the, you know, what we need to be, what people are looking for us to be for them in a world that doesn't celebrate and lift them up. We get to do that. We get to do that. Wow. We get to. That's amazing. And we do that. We're stronger together always. So thank you, Mandy, for all of this and all the things to come.
Mandy: Yes. Definitely. So, okay. So where can people find you if you want them to find you and you, then maybe you don't want them to find you and that's okay. And then
Odetta: fine. Yeah.
Mandy: And then how can people find TransFamilies, the conference, and again, I'll put all of this in the show notes.
Odetta: Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. So you, yeah, people can email me anytime. I welcome conversations and collaborations and partnerships. That's the stuff of life for me. And certainly is what TransFamilies is looking for as, as we grow. And so odetta@transfamilies.org. Email me, please, any time. And then you can find us at transfamilies.org online, and there's a nice banner that tells you, gives you more information about the conference, the link to register. I think there's on our registration page, there's FAQs. We're updating it every day, so please come back, or just send us an email, or email us at events@ transfamilies.org also is a place where you can send a question. What was the other thing you asked me? Was that, did I get everything?
Mandy: I think that was it. Yes. Because the best place, the best way to get information about the conference is to go to the website. And like you said, the banner is there. It's perfect. You just click on that and it takes you to another little page that gives you all the scoop and all the everything.
Odetta: And we, yeah, we hope to see you in Indianapolis. We hope to see you you, all you listeners. And when I say you, anyone who's listening, we hope to see you anytime, especially in person in Indianapolis. But we're here to support parents for in whatever way you're looking to be supported.
So give us a shout out. Yeah. And I know I'm going to see you in Indianapolis and you and several of us are going to have the biggest group hug ever. Yeah. Yeah.
Mandy: Soul-filling for sure.
Odetta: Oh my gosh. I'm just like, I'm gonna be the hug, the hug hoarder. I'm going to be hoarding hugs, like, like collecting them, not hoarding them. I'm going to be giving them away. That's not the right word. I'll come up with something else. Yeah. Something. Yeah, Something. Yes. Hugs for everybody. Yes.
Mandy: So listener, if you would like to show gratitude for Odetta and her work and their work and all of the wonderful things that they do, then - pardon me for misgendering you. I apologize - that you can go to transfamilies.org and make a donation. If you're a parent, please consider joining, check it out. You can become a member and coming to the conference. So yeah, there's all sorts of things you can do.
Odetta: And can I just say really quickly, if you can't come to the conference, but you think it's a really great thing, we are still looking for sponsors and sponsorship is a really important part of offering this event in a place where, you know I want to say that there are folks who normally, you know, socioeconomic factors are different geographically, right?
And in the Pacific Northwest, especially in Seattle, there's a lot of privilege. And so our goal is for this conference to be accessible. And so we're working with people, we've created those avenues and anyone who's, you know, also looking to be supportive that way accessible in a way of accessibility. Your sponsorship is certainly appreciated as well.
Mandy: Oh, good. Well, thanks again. And I will see you soon.
Odetta: Yes, you will. Thank you. It's been a pleasure.
Thank you. Thank you, listeners.