What’s in a name?
Name changes can be difficult for parents of trans kids. And it doesn't help that a common word for someone’s birth name is "deadname," a term that can be hard for parents to hear and get used to.
Here's what helped me: I realized that if it was important to me to choose a name for a baby who wasn’t even born yet, then wouldn't it be just as important, if not more, for my child to choose a name that actually fits who they are? The name that my husband and I gave my child went with a different version of them that doesn’t really exist anymore. It just doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t fit.
Giving someone a name is a gift. You gave it to your child because you liked it and hoped they would too. And to reject that name feels like a rejection of that gift.
It's like gifting someone a shirt: you give them the shirt, and they love it, and it fits. But at some point, maybe the shirt doesn’t fit anymore and they don’t like it. Maybe it even makes them feel bad about themselves, so they’re not going to wear it. So they go buy their own shirt that really fits them and feels more like them.
Everyone has the right to name themselves, and losing your child's birth name can still sting. We don’t have to like it, but we do have to accept it.
Remember that naming is powerful. It can be an important part of transitioning and a way for our children to become who they are.
I share more about names, pronouns, and how to practice using them in my online course Parents of Trans Youth 101.
In the course, you’ll learn basic gender diversity concepts and terms, how to navigate those complicated feelings, and some practical tips and tools to support your kid. It includes not only videos on many, many topics, but also learning supports like journal prompts, action exercises, and helpful websites so you can parent your transgender kids with confidence and celebration. Click here to order!