Signaling support with pronouns

I wore the name tag in the picture above to church this morning. I only started including my pronouns in this environment a few months ago. Not sure why it took me so long, but probably because I haven’t seen anyone else at church do it. Maybe there are others at different services, but none that I’ve seen.

I get some double takes and glances that last a little longer than necessary to read my name. Some people ask me what it means, and I’m happy to explain that it’s a small way to include and celebrate transgender and nonbinary people. Responses vary.

This morning, I was standing in the coffee line, and a woman I didn’t recognize was sort of hovering nearby and looking pointedly at my name tag. I introduced myself and invited her into the line, and we struck up a conversation. Turns out she was visiting our church, so I sat next to her for the adult education hour, and we ended up talking for 30 minutes afterwards about Episcopal churches in Houston, family, and our past church experiences.

During our extended conversation, she shared that she was transgender, but we didn’t really talk about that. Did she approach me because she saw my pronouns? She didn’t say, but I do wonder. Out of the 70 or so people in that room, did she see me as someone safe to talk with, learn about our church, and share some very personal information? Possibly. Or maybe we just needed caffeine at the same time.

To be clear, I don’t believe I’m entitled to know anyone’s gender identity unless they share it, no matter how many “welcoming” or “safe” signals I might indicate visually or verbally. And transgender people are not obligated to disclose that information to anyone.

There’s a fine line between signaling support and virtue signaling, and the difference lies with intent. Why do you include your pronouns on your name tag or put a rainbow around your profile pic or wear a “Protect Trans Kids” t-shirt? Is it because you want everyone to know that you’re woke and cool and maybe just a smidge better than them? Or is it because you want to move your community toward not only welcoming but embracing and fighting for trans people?

Going further, are you pairing your support with action? Are you noticing your binary language and changing it to be more gender-inclusive? Are you calling out transphobic jokes or slurs? Have you called or written your state legislators and told them to vote “no” on any anti-trans legislation?

It's great to signal your support for trans and nonbinary people, but it’s even better if that support is backed up with intention and action.

My interaction today is exactly why I include my pronouns on name tags. To create space for transgender and nonbinary people and follow their lead. I’m glad at least one person saw me as approachable and safe. I hope she felt welcomed and embraced this morning.