3 simple ways to support transgender kids

The other day, my friend Marge – not her real name – reached out to me with a situation that some of you might have experienced. Marge’s daughter has a friend who just came out as non-binary (which means that the friend doesn’t identify as exclusively male or female). The friend changed their name and changed their pronouns to they/them.

Marge wanted to give my contact information to the nonbinary friend’s mom in case she needed some support.  I was flattered that Marge thought of me; I love talking to parents who are finding their way in the gender world.

But then I thought to ask, “Wait, the friend is out to their parents, right?”

Well, Marge just assumed that if the nonbinary friend came out to her daughter, then they had to be out to their parents, right?

Well, not always. So we made a plan for Marge’s daughter to find out if the friend was out to their parents first before Marge reached out to the mom, rather than accidentally outing the friend to their parents.

This is not an uncommon situation. Many times, gender non-conforming kids will come out to their friends first. Maybe they fear their parents’ reaction or judgement or disapproval or rejection. Maybe they’re scared of being kicked out of the house.  Or maybe they’re still figuring themselves out and need the unconditional safety net of their friends before coming out to their parents or anyone else.

Whatever the situation is, you may find yourself keeping a child’s secret of their gender identity. Their story is not yours to tell, even if you think that child’s parents need to know. You don’t get to decide; it’s their information, and they get to decide when they come out, how they come out, and to whom. Or not at all. So you’ve got to be careful.

I’ve had to hold that knowledge a few times, and it’s really hard. I’ve had to call a child one name when they were in our house and another name to their parents. I’ve had to keep this kind of information from the family of my child’s significant other because I knew they weren’t out to their family yet!

So what can you do? You can make a safe, affirming space for that child.

Transgender adolescents are twice as likely to have suicidal thoughts and have much higher rates of depression and anxiety than the general population (https://cns.utexas.edu/news/victimization-of-transgender-youths-linked-to-suicidal-thoughts-substance-abuse). These are at-risk kids who need all the support they can get.

The good news is … affirming the gender identity of transgender kids is strongly associated with lower rates of suicide attempts, which includes having LGBTQ-affirming spaces - even just one! - and high levels of support from family, friends, or a special person (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2020/).

Here are 3 simple things you can do to provide that affirming space and be that special person for transgender kids.

Use their correct name and pronouns

This is the single most supportive and respectful action you can take to affirm transgender youth.

A recent University of Texas study found that when compared with peers who could not use their chosen name in any context, transgender youth who could use their chosen name at home, at school, with friends, and at work experienced 71% fewer symptoms of severe depression and a 65% decrease in suicidal attempts. Having even just ONE context in which the chosen name was used meant a significant reduction in suicidal thoughts and cut suicidal behavior in half (https://news.utexas.edu/2018/03/30/name-use-matters-for-transgender-youths-mental-health/).

That’s huge! If you know names and pronouns, use them. And if you don’t, ask! If you make a mistake, just apologize, correct yourself, and move on.

Be careful about disclosure

Maybe your child told you about a friend who changed their name and pronouns, but you don’t know if their parents know. Or maybe you’re not really supposed to know this information! Be careful about disclosing their gender identity to anyone. I make sure that I don’t say anything to the kid until I know I’m supposed to have that information. And I don’t say anything to the parents until I’m 100% sure that they know.

Learn more!

If you’re new to the world of gender, be open, educate yourself, go to a virtual PFLAG meeting, or check out the many, many good resources online but also listen with an open mind to transgender peoplespeaking for themselves.  

A few years ago, one of my kids had their girlfriend over to house, and the girlfriend wasn’t out to her parents because the family’s religion condemned homosexuality. I found myself in the kitchen alone with her for a few seconds while making a snack, and I said, “Sweetie, I want you to know that you can be whoever you want to be in this house. You can be my kid’s friend or girlfriend – this is a safe place for you.”  I’m not sure that she knew that I knew they were going out, so she was a little embarrassed and shuffled away. But my kid told me later that what I said to their girlfriend meant a great deal to her. A couple of years later, the girlfriend brought me flowers for Mother’s Day, and she wrote me the sweetest note saying that she had never forgotten what I told her that day in the kitchen.

Making safe spaces for kids matters. It matters when my kids go to other houses and hear inclusive language and see rainbow flags. For some kids, it’s a matter of life and death.

So when we can gather again, I encourage you to make safe, affirming spaces for the kids in your life. 

Happy New Year!