Apologize, correct yourself, and move on
While waiting for my son at the dentist’s office yesterday, the dentist came out to the waiting room to give me the scoop about my child Indigo’s minor dental procedure earlier this week. (Indi is 18 and can go to the dentist solo. Score!)
A little background: Indigo is non-binary, which means Indi does not identify as male or female but somewhere else on the gender spectrum. Indi uses they/them pronouns, and we’ve asked this dentist’s office to use Indi’s correct name and pronouns.
As the dentist gave her report, she kept using she/her pronouns when referring to Indigo. “She was a little nervous, but she did great!” “I hope I didn’t bug her by constantly asking if she was OK!”
I could barely concentrate on the report because I was thinking, Do I interrupt and correct Indi’s pronouns? Do I wait until she’s done talking? What if I make things awkward? Is the correction worth it? Indi has talked about the fact that there are some situations when it’s just not worth the time, effort, or emotional energy to explain about gender neutral pronouns and what non-binary means.
I thankfully came to my senses and realized that of COURSE my child is “worth it.” I waited for a pause and said, “Hey, Indigo uses they/them pronouns.” The dentist then launched into a litany of apologies: “I am SO. SORRY. Oh my GOSH! I came out here to talk to you, and I knew, but then . . . oh, I’m so sorry! I hope I didn’t mess up in Indigo’s appointment! I AM SO SORRY!”
I got one “that’s OK” in edgewise and mentioned something about how it’s an adjustment to use they/them pronouns if they’re unfamiliar. The apologies went on. I finally realized I did not need to be comforting the apologizer, so I thanked her and shut my mouth.
When I told Indigo about the incident, they said, “That’s, like, my whole life.” As a gender non-conforming person, Indigo constantly performs mental calculations about correcting people when they are misgendered. Many times, they don’t correct the person, not because they’re afraid of the other person’s reaction or that they won’t understand, but because of the inevitable profuse apologies. Indigo doesn’t want to be (and shouldn’t have to be!) in the position of comforting someone else for their mistake. Indi also doesn’t always want to be the educator. That responsibility is exhausting.
Lesson for me: It’s always worth it to be a corrective advocate for my child. I have never been embarrassed by my kid, but I sometimes fall into the trap of avoiding the awkwardness of a long explanation. I work at explaining Indi’s gender like it’s the most normal thing in the world, BECAUSE IT IS.
Reminder for us all: Apologizing ad nauseam makes it about YOU and puts the trans person (or injured party) in the position of comforting YOU. And it’s not about you!
If you accidentally misgender someone, apologize, correct yourself, and move on. You got this!